seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
