Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
