Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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