His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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