Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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