Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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