I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
