Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
