fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
