Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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