Kareoke will never be a sober sport
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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