and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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