guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
