Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
