Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
