I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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