my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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