so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
