i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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