Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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