I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
