i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
