I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
