Sponge bath it is.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
