i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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