She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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