yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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