I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
