Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Vodka?
Forever.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
