I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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