forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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