I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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