I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
