When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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