i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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