does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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