How'd it feel making her break her religion?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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