I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
