I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
