So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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