i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
