i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
