Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
