he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
