There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
