True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
