This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
