WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You took a bar mat shot.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
