Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
