Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
