im gay
i know
yea but for you.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
