yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
